After having my eye sight bruised and battered from the morning catastrophic sightings of bad suit wearers heading for their various 9 to 5’s, I was prompted to write this article for the good of all mankind:
1. Thou shalt wear a suit that fits thy body
You would think this goes without saying but it really doesn’t. I am still learning the ways of Berlin culture, and with all the ill-fitting suits I’ve been seeing on a daily basis, I am convinced that one of the Berlin traditions is to dress in the dark.
This must be why I keep seeing trousers that barely skim the ankles, suit jacket sleeves that don’t quite meet the wrists and similar sorts of atrocities.
2. Honour thy iron or steamer
When I see a rumpled or creased suit, powerful waves of depression course through my body so strongly, that if I am not sitting I actually lose balance. Please don’t send me to the Emergency Room before work, iron or steam your suits, and yes that includes the shirt underneath.
3. Thou shalt not count pennies when buying a suit
Newsflash Boys- a cheap suit will always look like a cheap suit. Girls are lucky, we can skip to Topshop, buy a £25 dress and have people asking us if its Prada, but you are not so lucky; so step away from the Buy 1 T Shirt and Get 4 Suits Free Sale.
4. Thou shalt develop a relationship with a Great Tailor
For me, a man is not a man until he has a tailor. Why? It shows he is willing to invest time and money to not only look great (i.e. to have clothes adjusted to fit his frame) but to look like an individual via custom-made pieces. That’s hot.
5. Honour thy shoe polish and brush
I mean really, I feel like I am talking to children here, but you will not believe how many pairs of tired-ass looking shoes I have had the misfortune of seeing these past weeks. Get on your knees boys and apply a bit of spit and polish…
6. Thou shalt coordinate thy suit jacket and trouser
So. Apparently. The Italians have perfected wearing suit jackets and trousers that don’t match, they call the trend, “Spezzato.” But here’s the thing, Berliners haven’t nailed this look. At All. So Berliners, please match the texture, fit, pattern and shade of your suit jacket to your trousers accordingly and vice versa.
7. Thou shall wear socks that match
It’s happened. I see a hot guy in a suit standing in the tram, I catch his eye and hold it. With eyes locked Mr Man sits down and raises one leg to nonchalantly cross the other and then I see it- his socks don’t match and I look away. Instantly.
8. Thou shalt not chew gum
Men shouldn’t chew gum full stop, but for some reason it grates my nerves more when I see a man in a suit snapping and popping his gum with great Billy Goat Gusto. You know somewhere out there the spirits of Humphrey Bogart, Cary Grant, Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr want to circle him and beat him to a pulp.
9. Thou shall accessorize thy suit wisely
Wearing a great suit- perfect! So how about not putting barbecue sauce on spare ribs by matching your suit with accessories that look like they were bought in a fancy dress/toy store/joke shop.
10. Thou shall match thy tie with thy suit
Match your tie to your clothing, not your clothing to your tie. Don’t buy a tie because it looks great- buy neckwear that is of the right proportion for your body and is of a colour and pattern that works well with your shirts and suits.
There it is, I have spoken.
What do you think, did I miss out some vital Suit Commandments? What Commandments would you add?
Finally, I will end with Brandon Flowers: Frontman of The Killers (and god in my eyes), when he wears a suit be it bejewelled, feathered, metallic or what-fabulous-ever; the fit is out of control. I want to style him. I want to style his brains out.